365 new days, 365 new possibilities

365 new days. 365 new possibilities. As this year comes to an end, I reflect back on the struggles I've overcome, the friendships I've made, and the memories that will last a lifetime. Here’s a recap of some of my biggest moments from 2017 and what I'm looking forward to in the new year:

Finding support in the breast cancer community

I started off 2017 no longer blanketed in active treatment and was suddenly left to flounder my way through life after cancer. Feelings of fear and uncertainty quickly creeped up leaving me in one of the darkest places I had been since being diagnosed. Through social media, I found out about an event called the YSC (Young Survival Coalition) Summit for young breast cancer survivors and was hesitant to go at first because I didn’t know anyone there but I jumped in with both feet and am so glad I did. I made connections with survivors from around the world and finally found other women who really got it! Fast forward a few months later to attending Boobyball in Vancouver, a fundraising event to raise money for Rethink Breast Cancer. I went with a fellow survivor who flew down to meet me for the occasion and we made a weekend out of it getting glammed up in our best 80s aerobics attire, hiking the trails in Tofino and bonding over our love of travel, food, and fur babies!

Living life to the fullest

There was always a reason for me not to make plans: I had my monthly Zoladex injections, bloodwork, scans, appointments with my doctors and upcoming surgeries. It was hard to plan for the future when I didn’t know what would be happening from one month to the next. I was tired of putting my life on hold after spending half of 2016 going through chemo and radiation treatments. So I began to take control, make a plan to live life to the fullest, and not have it revolve around my appointments 24/7. I made time for myself and was fortunate enough to spend 3 weeks travelling throughout the islands of Hawaii as well as trips to Vegas, Seattle, San Francisco, Toronto, and exploring my home territory on Vancouver Island. Instead of saying I can’t, I began saying I CAN and accomplished things I would have never imagined like participating in the 5km CIBC Run for the Cure.

NED!!!

Yes, I finally got to hear those 3 beautiful words…NO EVIDENCE (of) DISEASE! I had a lumpectomy in 2016 but it wasn’t until halfway through my treatments that I found out the margins weren’t clear after getting a second opinion from another pathologist. Almost a year to the day from my first surgery, I went in for a prophylactic bilateral mastectomy with immediate latissimus dorsi flap reconstruction to ensure any remaining cancer cells were gone. When I got that call two weeks later from my surgeon with those words we all want to here, I finally found that breath of relief…I was NED!

From crazy chemo curls to pixie cuts

When my hair started growing back after treatment, the last thing I wanted to do was cut it. I didn’t want to risk cutting off any of that precious chemo hair growth but I was starting to grow a mullet which needed to be tamed. It was definitely all business in the front and a crazy chemo curl party in the back. I went in to see my hairdresser 9 months post chemo and played it safe at first with a quick trim but as the next month went by and my hair started to grow more, I realized how much I missed my short pixie hair. It was cute, easy to style, and a perfect cut for my fine hair. So, almost a year post chemo I went in and chopped the rest of my chemo curls off. It felt amazing to be in the driver’s seat this time and be cutting it off with a purpose and not because cancer was taking it away from me. 

So, what’s next for 2018?

Gratitude

I’m starting my new year with a gratitude jar, an awesome idea created by Josie Robinson. She has a simple guide to follow that’s called give THANKS: Think about what you’re grateful for. Have an open mind. Allow yourself to feel gratitude. Note your gratitude. Keep it in a jar or other special place. Share it with someone else. You can put a note in the jar every day, week or month and could be anything from clear scans, going on a trip away, or even just a message from a family member or friend. It’s important for us to focus on what we are grateful for and look at the positive aspects of life rather than just the negative. At the end of the year, it will be fun to go back and look to see what has happened throughout the year and remind myself of what I am grateful for.

No More Surgeries!

Well, that's my goal anyways. Breast reconstruction is never a perfect process and has taught me a lot of patience and understanding with my body. Like many women, I went into my reconstruction surgery with high expectations and came out with feelings of disappointment. There were indents, loose skin, and the implant was sitting to high and pulling to one side. After speaking to my surgeon, it was decided that I will need to remove the excess skin, do fat grafting to fill in the gaps and smooth things out, and skim off part of the lat flap so that it sits more flush with the rest of my breast. I am due to go in for another surgery within the next couple of months for breast revisions and hopefully count this one as my last!

Back to work

It’s been a long year and a half since I took a medical leave of absence from work. My career was finally starting to take off and I was focused more than ever on slaying my goals. But plans changed and a breast cancer diagnosis forced me to put my career on hold and focus instead on my health and wellbeing. The keener that I was told my boss that I would be back to work within 6 months but the reality was I would be off much longer. I am currently working with my doctors, counsellors and a rehabilitation team to successfully get me back to work in the near future. I’m anxious to return but also a bit nervous as I continue to work my way through the long term physical and emotional side effects of treatment and life after cancer.

Travel, travel and more travel!

I love to travel! Anytime an opportunity arises, I have my bags packed and am ready to go on another adventure. My parents used to take my siblings and I on numerous road trips growing up crammed into their old Cutlass Supreme. Needless to say, there were many fights but also a lot of good times and instilled in me the desire and passion to travel. Next up is the YSC Summit in Orlando to reunite with and meet new breasties from all over. But what I’ve really been saving up for is a trip to Italy with my husband. I’ve wanted to go ever since I did my grade 5 project on this beautiful country so my husband and I are planning to make it happen this year. Life’s too short and I’ve learned to live in the moment now while I have my health and happiness.

Happy New Year!

The good, the bad, and the ugly

It’s hard to believe that it’s already been 6 months since my bilateral mastectomy and immediate latissimus dorsi flap breast reconstruction. Prior to my surgery, I found a lot of the information online to be focused on mastectomies using a tissue expander or implant only and it was difficult to access any personal first-hand experience with this particular procedure. I’ve posted previously on this procedure (here and here) but I wanted to open the conversation more and share some of the good, the bad, and the ugly post lat flap.

June 2017 - 2 weeks post surgery 

December 2017 - 6 months post surgery 

The Pros

I didn’t have any major complications post surgery. 

Between getting an infection in my lumpectomy site last year and having a compromised immune system since chemo, you could say I was slightly paranoid going into this surgery. Thankfully, all that I had were some minor blips like a buildup of fluid in my back (seroma) which is very common after this procedure and some swelling. Other than that, it was smooth sailing (well as smooth as you can get for getting cut almost the entire circumference of my body!)

The scars across my breasts and back have smoothed out. 

What began as raised bumpy incisions, faded out to smooth scars. I’ve been using this Honest company healing balm which works like a dream as well as this Aveeno daily moisturizing lotion to keep the skin and scar tissue hydrated. Also, for aesthetic purposes, my plastic surgeon made sure to cut the incision across my bra/bikini line so it can be easily covered up if desired.

The tightness in my back has eased up. 

I went from walking like the Tinman from Wizard of Oz to feeling a lot more relaxed in my gait. Physiotherapy sessions provided me with a good list of exercises and stretches that I could easily do at home including working with resistance bands. I also took up this 30-day yoga challenge with Adriene which incorporated many of the poses recommended by my physiotherapist to stretch the back and chest muscles.

More natural shaped breasts. 

The lat flap has given my breasts a more natural appearance than just an implant alone. Because I had radiation prior to my mastectomy, the skin and tissue were really tight leading to possible issues with asymmetry. By using a piece of healthy tissue from my back and transferring it to the middle of my breast, it has allowed for more elasticity of the skin and offset the effects of radiation.

The Cons

Lollipop scars. 

Since I don’t wear a bra most times, I have to be very careful with my clothing choices. Anything white or light coloured easily shows the scars or lines through my shirt. I find myself trying on top after top with my eyes going straight to my chest. It’s hard not to notice something that I’m hyper aware of so I’ve begun sticking to darker colours or clothing made out of thicker material.

The tightness across my back. 

I know, I know. I just said that was getting better BUT it is still there. I find myself often explaining to people that it feels like I’m wearing a bra all the time that’s a little too tight in the band. Both my surgeon and oncologist recommended seeing a massage therapist to break down the scar tissue and also help with some of the tension on my affected side. I feel like I’m overcompensating at times and still have some issues with cording around my shoulder. While the yoga has helped a lot, it still needs a lot of deep tissue release (and time) to get things moving again. 

The loss of sensation in my back. 

While the appearance doesn’t bother me so much, it is troublesome not being able to feel a 2-inch wide band across my entire back. I have to look in the mirror when applying lotion to my scar as I can’t feel whether I’m applying it on the right area or everywhere but. It’s an eerie feeling. I once felt a needle like poke in my back around the scar line and wondered if I had been stung by a bee. It can be disconcerting not being able to identify pain, heat, or sensations in part of my back.

Am I happy overall with my decision to have breast reconstruction? Yes. But am I anxious to have all of these surgeries done and over with? Absolutely. I’ve spent so much time anticipating the end of surgeries and this whole breast cancer saga that I find myself constantly trying to push appointments ahead of schedule to speed things up. I am growing impatient and want nothing more than to put this all behind me. After my implant exchange surgery, I had my hopes up of being one and done. But I experienced the same disappointment that many women experience after breast reconstruction. The dents, the harsh edges, the loose skin. 

But I’ve come to have more respect and compassion for my body. It may not be perfect but it's a work in progress. Next step is seeing my plastic surgeon next week to discuss revisions and hopefully close this chapter once and for all.

Scanxiety

If you asked me what scanxiety was prior to my diagnosis, I would have responded with a confused look on my face. SCANXIETY? What does that even mean??

The tough reality is that we all experience this at some point after being diagnosed with cancer. Fear and anxiety at the thought of another scan. The waiting, the worrying, the what if’s. All those feelings come flooding back and you quickly realize that it’s not just about what will happen but remembering what did happen.

The hospital gowns, the poke of a needle, the sounds of the machine buzzing around you, the voices telling you to lie still, the pangs of hunger after fasting all night.

The shock, the denial, the fear, the anger, and the acceptance. It all comes back to that life changing moment when you’re told you have cancer.

I can’t help but notice how long the tech spends imaging a certain area and find myself searching their face for signs of hope and reassurance. Do they look relieved? Concerned? Often times I am met with a poker face leaving me with the dreaded feeling of anxiety awaiting the results. A scan prior to a cancer diagnosis was to check for a minor blip in our health. A quick little band-aid fix and we were on our way. But now a scan can mean something much more sinister.

Time seems to stand still and I find myself treading that fine line between denial and acceptance. There’s a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach trying to prepare myself for the worst while also hoping for the best. People often say things like “think positive” and “live in the present moment” but it’s hard not to think about the very harsh realities of it all.

Then the day comes when the results are in. As the doctor enters the room, my anxiety builds and I find myself once again searching their face for clues. Part of me wants to run while the other knows it’s time to face the truth. The news comes back though and everything is clear! Cue the music, the bubbly, the pomp and circumstance. While there’s a feeling of relief it’s not the celebration that one might expect. It feels like I’ve bought more time, but the question still lingers…will I be so lucky next time?